some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
