you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
