I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
