I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Text me some of your sweat
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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