So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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