Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
