Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
