I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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