He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
