I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
