we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
