masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
