Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
