Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
