I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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