I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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