You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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