During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
