The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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