Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
