I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
