No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
