U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
