There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
