Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
