Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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