apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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