True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
