This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
