I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
