do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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