That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
