I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
