If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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