I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
