I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
