Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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