they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
