Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
