Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
