This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
