my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
