Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
