so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
