he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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