After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
