Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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