Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
