Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
