I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
