what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
