Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
