all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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